There are some men in the world for whom we are attracted but who are simply toxic: they hurt us if they are close, it does not matter if it is a formal relationship or a love to which we cling.
There is something powerfully irresistible in them for the way they manage to be close enough to us, but at the same time, out of reach. And it turns out that we end up trying to touch those threads of hope that fall in front of us intentionally or not but that escape between our fingers.
Surely you have fallen flat on your face because of it, and it was not the first time nor the last time you will do it, because you love seeing his name appear on your phone screen; you would do anything to see him smile genuinely; You crave to look at you when you are alone, and yet, when you look into his eyes, you realize that there is no such reflection that you expected.
In reality, what there is is a disconnection, a sense of distance that tells you that he is not fully present, and never will be, despite how much you desire it. He can tell you that you are beautiful, and you will want to believe it because his words reach a part of you where you feel pain and pleasure at the same time, as if you were enjoying it. A vicious circle of advancing and retreating, and you can not stop in that eagerness to look for it because you convince yourself that there are possibilities!
Maybe, this time it will be different, you tell yourself naively. You know it will not be like that, but that man blinds you. The problem of being the one who is always hurt is that reason comes to occupy the last place when making decisions. You know perfectly what is happening, what the consequences will be and why it is bad for you. You are even aware that there is a big difference between being treated as a priority or being treated as an option.
Usually, some day your rational side wins, but it usually takes a long time for this to happen. Your emotions hide the truth that is in front of your face because you keep giving in to the desire to surround your neck with your arms.
I suppose this is perceived as weakness and emotional immaturity, and to a certain extent it is, because although at least in theory we are taught not to settle for less than we deserve, we do. Does giving in to temptation and giving up our power for someone that does not belong to us make us smaller as people? Maybe being a little silly, having hope, showing ourselves vulnerable and foolish, all at the same time, makes us more human.
Ignoring the advice of friends on purpose, aware of the damage we will suffer once that early kiss occurs, is because all we want is for him to love us too. Even the strongest happen to them, because we all have feelings and memories that we refuse to let go.
But, while it is true that you can not control how you feel, you have control over how you allow yourself to be treated. Realistically, however much we want to believe that people will change for us, they never will. It is important that we recognize and accept that. Just as there is a certain amount of things that you can tolerate, and part of the solution is to understand what your limits are and what you want for yourself in the end. It is not easy when you discover yourself returning to the old patterns that are familiar to you, but the happiness you want is only in your hands.
Some people, no matter how much they attract you, are simply not worth that sacrifice.