Yesterday I met a friend that I had not seen in a while. We had a quick 5 minute talk to catch up, and she asked me about my partner. I gave my answer cuts and well rehearsed: Actually we are not together anymore, so I'm not completely sure. Immediately I felt his look of compassion and sadness, the same that always give.
I'm used to that look, I suppose that's what happens when the man you thought to marry breaks up with you, but after giving me the look he said: You know, you're going to find someone new and you'll love him equally or more. His words were meant to make me feel better about being single, but they really made me think.
I hope she is wrong and that she never finds someone she loves as much as she loves him.
I do not say it because I am a cynic, nor because I hope that we will be together again. I say it simply because the love I shared with him was too much. It was nice, passionate, it covered everything. Thinking about him was the first thing he did in the morning and the last thing in the night. I felt incomplete without him, and when I was around, I felt as if everything was again fine in the world. He was my other half, and what I considered the best part of myself. A healthy madness and many emotions awakened in me. However, our relationship was also like a roller coaster of disappearances, love, hate and need.
And I pray to God that I do not feel like this again.
I hope the love I had was a unique love in my life, because I do not want to feel that kind of new again. It lasted three years. It changed my life and it's something I'm going to treasure. I came across the young love class and I loved every minute I was with him. But I do not want to feel it again. That kind of pain mixed with such a passionate love was too much for me. It was too much for my heart and when he decided to leave me, I did not understand how the world could go on and on.
But he went on, and one day the pain in my chest disappeared, and all the broken bits of my heart seemed to be together again. That's when I realized that I do not need that kind of love or that kind of life. It's not that I do not want to find love again. I can not wait to fall in love again, but I hope and pray that I am a very different kind of love.
I do not want someone who is my other half; I want to feel everything on my own. I do not want to lose someone who hurts, I want to know that even when I am far away, I can trust him and know that he will come home with me. I do not want it to be my last thought when I sleep, because I want him to be by my side when I go to bed at night.
I no longer want it to be the best part of me, I want it to push me and encourage me to be the best. I want a couple I want someone I can trust 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I want a love that makes me smile and that makes me go to sleep completely happy with my life, not one that takes away my sleep. I do not want a man who treats me like a princess and the most precious thing in the world: I want him to treat our daughter like that. I do not want to be the love of your life, I want our family to be it.
My ex taught me more about love and life than he will ever know. After the break, my friends always told me that he would never find someone who loved him as much as I did. They said it to make me feel better, but I hope it's the same for him. We were young and naive and we loved being in love, but we had the wrong kind of love.
Yes, I hope it was a love that happens only once in a lifetime for both of you.